First off I would like to apologize for my language in a previous post. However I am not going to retract it as I feel it was something needing to be said. It was not meant to hurt anyone, specifically my father. It was intended to shine a little clarity on my situation.
Ever since I fully came out about my intent to move, I have been met with looks and words of constant disappointment. All, of course, makes me want to curl in a ball in some dark corner and cry. It’s already taken most of what I have to continue to follow through with these plans. In two weeks from today I will be out of the state. It has quickly become the hardest decision I’ve made in my life. (Of which some have responded I have not lived long enough to voice a valid opinion or have the knowledge to make such a decision properly.) I’ve tried the explanation with comments like, “I know you do not understand, but please pray that things work out.” I’m reaching wit’s end on trying to explain. While some are not thrilled with the decision to leave, they are trying to be understanding. As for the very few that do understand I’ve heard comments, “If they can’t hear you to understand, you’ll just have to show them.” That becomes a challenge too. Where are the little mechanical bees with cameras when I need them?
I am dreadfully nervous about leaving, to the point I’ve made myself sick. I’m anxious to take on a new challenge so I can reach for that solid ground (even if it is merely an illusion). I’m sad to be leaving so many happy memories behind, but I am hopeful that I can add to them with new happy memories (not just for me, but for my children as well).
For now, though, I am exhausted. It has been a long day and I believe tomorrow promises to be as well. I’m fully intending in finding a moment this week end to simply breath and enjoy the day with as much worry free activity as possible. Something like turning off the computer and phone, take the kids to the park or laze around and have tickle fights in bed, curl up with a movie in the evening, or hey I may just break my ‘No Starbucks’ rule and go get some coffee sit in my car with the music flowing along to the current of the river.
All My Love,
Ellsah
Cascading Contemplations 