We’ve Moved!


Lots has happened since I last wrote, lots to catch up on with an ever rambling mind. We’ve upped our commitment and are putting a new foot forward and moving to a new URL.

If you’ve stuck around this long and would like to see the new stories, ramblings, and more find me at: http://www.cascadingcontemplations.com !

All my love,
Amanda!

Advertisements

Homesick…


DSCN0914

 

So the past few days, (The other half may say weeks) I’ve been a bit touch and go. Between grumbly and giddy. I normally would have tied it to Pms? but after some quiet sitting and daydreaming a midst doing my school work, I’ve come to the realization, I’m homesick. Not for a specific place or person or even thing, but just the feeling that feels like home or at least used to. If that makes any sense. Mostly since we looked at a house a few days ago that reminded me of a place my mother rented when I was a child in West Virginia, have I started to realize I miss it. I’m not saying I want to pack bags and go back or give up the goals I’ve been moving towards here. It’s just a fact of what is. I miss rolling hills and their autumn shows of color. I miss walking in and giving my mom a hug. I miss the arguments I had with my sister and friends. I miss visiting my grandmother for bonfires. I miss seeing my aunts and uncles and cousins for the big holiday events. I miss a lot of things that have come and gone in my life. I know I can get some of them back but nothing will ever be the same.

They won’t be the same because I’m older and a little wiser in the ways of things, thus I have new eyes to see everything and see what is instead of what I thought it was. A child’s eyes are an amazing thing, and for me one of the greatest blessings to mankind that there is. A child does not over complicate matters, it simply see’s the truth of the matter and adds a hint of magic to it. For me as a child, was my grandmother’s house. It is and was a large house. For me when I was young, I always thought of it as a castle with a princess tower because one side of the house raised up in a spire and you could see that bit when we came down the road to visit. The color of robin’s egg blue and white trim only added to the effect. I could literally even through my teenage years just sit on the porch swing and watch the world go by on the warmth of a country summer breeze. Several summers we did just that and on the 4th of July we could even see the fireworks that the small town set off.

I guess I just wish that more people could see and appreciate the little things instead of over complicating things. Perhaps that will be a new goal for me, to find that cozy space for my family and me. So like my mother, my grandparents and my aunts and uncles, my children and their children can have a taste of what I experienced in that small town in West Virginia for themselves. So they may know the simple feeling of a warm and loving hug and the peacefulness of, as my mother put it, “Going with the Flow.” Knowing that God has a reason for everything and all things happen in his time and that getting worked up and frustrated in anxiousness will not help things go any faster.

When it all comes down to it, I may have complicated ticks to some, but I am a simple person with simple wants and needs. I value country living and a good work ethic. It’s not something that can be taught. It’s something that is gifted. I am my mother’s daughter, no one can deny that, from my looks to my values I am what I am. I think most of all I am homesick to talk to her. I am homesick for her and my children. I will be seeing my children soon, and that gives me something to look forward to. I will always remember the feeling of home. For me home is not a place but the people I love most and hold dearest to me. They may not always know it, and for that it is shame on me. I pray they don’t forget that I truly do care. I would list them here, but it would be my luck I would miss some one so I won’t to save my dignity and theirs and not suffer anyone insult.

I think once my school work is finished for the night I will spend the rest of the night and weekend trying to find my peace again. Come Monday morning it is back to the grind. On a side note, I really do like my job and the people who work there. I count it among my blessings. I have been counting a lot of blessings lately. Not just because it is Easter weekend, but because I have been in the habit to always count my blessings, I feel that counting the blessings we’re bestowed is a wonderful way to counterbalance negative feeling. Counting blessings sounds like a good idea right now. I leave you with this…

 

 

All my love,

 

Ellsah

P.S. Happy Easter!

1 Peter 1:3 NIV~ “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead…”

Not Winter Is Coming!


glacier

Today we had the fifth day in a row of sunshine. I think it’s been the longest stretch of clear blue skies and nights of nothing but the twinkling of stars at night. It has been one of the God sends in the past few weeks. Around here the saying goes “There are two seasons, winter and not winter.” And the signs of the “not winter” are showing. Rumors of the bears starting to stir. Locals are starting the bustle to get the city ready for the tourist season. And while I have felt like I should have more than enough time to accomplish things that need done, time is ticking and between the sun inspired restlessness and the busying peoples of Juneau, I’m feeling a bit rushed. The best thing about it, I like it!

Many have probably spoken ill of me since I moved. I’m pretty certain that a few have, but I’ve let it roll off my shoulders. Dealing with negativity is God and karma’s business not mine. There are many positive things here, it’s refreshing. The winter definitely has had it’s rough points. The lack of sunshine mixed with gloomy rain and not a lot of snow was getting a bit rough. I’ve been in Juneau for a little over four months, the job search didn’t seem to be going anywhere and feeling like a bum was starting to kick in again. The plus to the days have been the company here, and the Skype chats with my babies. Last week I was offered a job for a restaurant down the road and so I accepted. Anything was better than nothing. And by the third day of work I received a phone call that bid bitter sweet. While applying to various jobs, I was trying to focus on finding a career that enlisted my learning with healthcare management, I applied for many different state jobs, little shop jobs; and then the state called. A second offer for a job in a week after months of searching. The best part, the second job offer was with the state and with the career field I have been pushing for.

So now I have sunshine, mountains, family, my Snowball, school, a new job starting Monday. I am left speechless yet again, which I’d love to say is hard to do, but I’m quiet anyway. The new me pushing forward and holding to the positive is a wonderful feeling. It’s not easy, at least not all the time. I am super excited, if you haven’t been able to tell thus far. I get to see my children soon. I can wrap them up in hugs and enjoy my first Alaskan summer with them. I pray things continue to fair well. I’m slowly finding my feet, and now at a pace that I can feel the progress.

This is going to be the best ‘not winter!”

All my love,

Ellsah

2 Corinthians 5:7~ For we walk by faith; not by sight.

Mmm mmm, How I love coffee in the morning.


(I came across the following Story today, and it says so much I had thought about in different ways. I’m glad others have a better time of words than I do. *Smiles*)

Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; “Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. 

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. “What’s the point,grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity–boiling water–but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

“When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

. . .For when I am weak, then am I strong. 
see – 2 Corinthians 12:10

I have made it to my travel destination and am currently in my third week of getting settled. It’s as I knew it would be, and so much more when it comes down to it. I am thankful that I am able to talk to my children nearly everyday. There have been but a small handful of days I have not heard their voices or seen their faces. Skype has been a God-send. I have smiled more with this move, I have so much to hope for than the endless amount of worry that weighed me down before. That is not to say I do not worry, just that I am given little chance to. It has rained almost non-stop since I’ve been here in Alaska. I still smile. I have cried when I slowed down enough to wish I had my children’s arms around me, but then I see them playing and hear their cheerful voices and know that they are okay. They are healthy, they are happy, they tell me everyday they love me and when I see their smile when we talk, it makes everything okay for Mommy too.
While this is hard being away from them, I can feel the positive energy moving. Things are finally being done. Their father has taken steps to start fixing the house as he had been promising, mostly because of a push of some in-laws, which they in themselves are God-sends, in my opinion. Goob got a new bed, the living room floor is being repaired, the children are getting to make new friends at Daycare, my son is getting good marks in his Kindergarten. There have been times I have paused to think ‘Are they better because I’m not there?’ as in ‘Was I bad for them?’ And there are times I think that is true, but it is mostly my fears and whats left of the self doubt that I had before I changed my situation. When they smile, and say how much they miss me, I -know- I am good for them. My leaving has been good to, no matter what pain it brings me.
Their father is being the father I know he can be, and he is showing the effort, pulling himself up. He has support of loved ones, and myself, of course from a distance, but it is okay. It’s not the terrible end I thought might follow. Of course it has only been a few weeks since I hugged them with a promise I would see them for Christmas. Its a bitter happiness I find in the change that has been made. But for both sides of the affected, there is now room to grow. Like pruning a bush so it may bud or grow properly. It is like the coffee, making the best of a bad situation in hopes of spreading a well caffeinated joy instead of callousing my interior and wilting the hopes of those around me. It’s a fresh feeling. It is still scary, I’m not sure exactly how to explain it.
I thank the Lord for the chance, and Pray he watch over loved ones as we continue to move forward, and I pray he wills me the courage to continue. We only live once. We can not remake our yesterdays. It’s nice to have some elbow room and take a breath with out worrying whether or not it was out of place. I look forward to seeing and helping my children grown and I am looking forward to seeing myself grow as a person, in faith, family, as a mother, and an example to my little ones.
All my love,
Ellsah

Nervous, Anxious, Sad, Hopeful


 

First off I would like to apologize for my language in a previous post. However I am not going to retract it as I feel it was something needing to be said. It was not meant to hurt anyone, specifically my father. It was intended to shine a little clarity on my situation.

Ever since I fully came out about my intent to move, I have been met with looks and words of constant disappointment. All, of course, makes me want to curl in a ball in some dark corner and cry. It’s already taken most of what I have to continue to follow through with these plans. In two weeks from today I will be out of the state. It has quickly become the hardest decision I’ve made in my life. (Of which some have responded I have not lived long enough to voice a valid opinion or have the knowledge to make such a decision properly.) I’ve tried the explanation with comments like, “I know you do not understand, but please pray that things work out.” I’m reaching wit’s end on trying to explain. While some are not thrilled with the decision to leave, they are trying to be understanding. As for the very few that do understand I’ve heard comments, “If they can’t hear you to understand, you’ll just have to show them.” That becomes a challenge too. Where are the little mechanical bees with cameras when I need them?

I am dreadfully nervous about leaving, to the point I’ve made myself sick. I’m anxious to take on a new challenge so I can reach for that solid ground (even if it is merely an illusion). I’m sad to be leaving so many happy memories behind, but I am hopeful that I can add to them with new happy memories (not just for me, but for my children as well).

For now, though, I am exhausted. It has been a long day and I believe tomorrow promises to be as well. I’m fully intending in finding a moment this week end to simply breath and enjoy the day with as much worry free activity as possible. Something like turning off the computer and phone, take the kids to the park or laze around and have tickle fights in bed, curl up with a movie in the evening, or hey I may just break my ‘No Starbucks’ rule and go get some coffee sit in my car with the music flowing along to the current of the river.

All My Love,

Ellsah

Love Letter 6 ~ To my Daddy


I do want to talk, I was just taking time to get away from stress. It’s not like I rushed into this decision. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, praying about it. It’s not like I am running off to get ‘a piece’ or meet up with some one I’ve never met. I’m not even moving in with him. I’m moving in with a mutual friend who has a room to rent. He just offered to help me get up there. Not to mention you’ve met him, said he seemed like a nice guy. He’s helped feed the kids when their Dad couldn’t, made sure we’ve had things we needed.

I’ve been looking for work around here for over 3 years and either get turned down or it’s not enough to make ends meet. In Alaska I have a foot in the door for two possible jobs, working for the state or working in a chiropractors office as a therapist making decent money. That gives me a chance to find my feet as well as myself not to mention be able to provide for my kids. Yes I’ll be a long ways off but it will only be a plane ride or phone call away.

I know I’ve been telling you about this friend for two years. It’s not like I met him a couple weeks ago. He makes me happy. The kids deserve an example of what happiness can be like when they get older. It doesn’t have to be miserable with parents living in two rooms of the same house and barely spend time together or even talk.

I take my vows seriously. I meant them the day I said them and it hurts that I have not lived by them. Up until a little over a year ago there might have been a slight chance for their father and I, but he did something that changed him in my eyes forever. I love him as the father of my kids but there’s no way I would share a bed let alone kiss him anymore. What kind of example does that set for the kids? with me leaving I get the chance to become a better person and better mother for them. He also has the chance to find the love he wishes and become the father he can be. If I could haul him to Alaska with the kids I would. He could make better money and both kids could go to a decent school that isn’t near the bad part of town.

Years down the road if things go right, they will have two loving parents who adore them. It’s not going to be easy, but you taught me that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I think finding a peaceful resolution instead of heated court debates is worth it for the kids. I think providing a peaceful lifestyle for them is worth fighting for. That’s why I want and need to prove to myself as well as everyone I’m strong enough to do this.

I will always love you. You’re my Dad. We’ve had our ups and downs like any father and daughter and have our difference of opinion but we still love each other, that will never change. I may grumble at things you say and you may grumble at choices I make. But I’m 25 years old. If it turns out to be a mistake, let me make it and trust that I’ll learn. Trust that you taught me well enough to stand up for myself and to have faith enough to take a leap on my own wings. I know it’s not easy, I’ve cried wondering how I can do this. Kind of like Rapunzel in the movie Tangled. She cries one minute then cheers the next after she leaves her tower. I’m not naive enough to think life is a fairy tale. I’m smart enough to know it takes work; and each day no matter how old we get is a day to learn something new.

I will keep in touch. If it were Bella I’d probably have a talk with her too. But if we try to make decisions by basing them solely on the possible negative outcomes what would anyone ever achieve? No one would leave there house for fear of the sky falling the moment they step out of the door. I’m in no way abandoning the kids. I do plan to call them everyday or talk to them on skype, they love to get mail, so I can write them too. Not to mention I’ll be able to come back and spend time with them and vise versa. I told you if I moved before I would come see you and the step-monster (<3 ya Tina) or make sure you all could come up and visit. I still plan to hold to that promise. I’m still your little girl, I’ve just grown up a little and need to try this for at least a little while.

Meeting people online is not always bad. I do know there is a risk in it. So I’ve been overly careful. After you and mom split the last time, you brought the lady up from Texas. If I’m not mistaken her ex kept hiding so as not to sign divorce papers. You two were also happy together for a time. Yes you may hate her now, but once upon a time you thought it was worth it to help her make a big move too. You’re not a bad guy. I’m not saying Alaska is like you, he’s a little less intimidating. Then later you met Tina through Facebook, and how many other girls before had you met on face book or social sites. You and Tina are married now. You grumble at each other but you also take care of one another. You may have your arguments but it’s still obvious you and she love each other, just look at how she looks at you in the wedding pictures. How you looked at her. That’s the kind of relationship I want to show the kids they can have instead of thinking that the relationship their dad and I have is okay, it’s not. We’re both miserable. If it comes to a point where Alaska and I become more, then it will for the right reasons at the right time. I’m not rushing this time.

I know you’re going to worry about me, and that’s okay. But don’t worry so much to make things worse. Some advice you gave me when I was worried so much was to remember my faith and pray to the Lord for guidance. It was good advice and I pray often whether it seems like it or not. I have listened. I have faith. And you and Mom didn’t raise a dummy. You didn’t like Jes  moving, but she felt it was what was needed to get some space and take Mia-bug away from unneeded drama. She and her boyfriend now have a job, Mia-bug is growing into a smart wonderful little girl. Their family is prospering with a change that everyone thought at the beginning was going to be bad. If she listened to everyone, she’d still be here.. Her boyfriend may not have found a job and they might still be living in New Providence. Her Boyfriend’s not having a Job was never a big deal to me. Uncle W played stay home dad while he did college and Aunt C worked, so did Uncle M once Aunt T finished her school. Being a stay home Dad might not be old fashioned but it’s not unheard of. It’s not any different than being a stay home mom. And work -has- been hard to find. He had other issues I didn’t like, but from what Jes has said he’s become better. From talking to her I know it’s been good for her, for them.

All I ask Dad, is that you give me a little bit of credit instead of announcing to the world thoughts without facts. With the way you aired everything you made me sound like a trolloping whore of a mother who cares more about sex than her kids, even if she’s got to go online to get it. That has never been the case. I may not be the best mom, but I am a good mother. I do love my kids. If I had abandoned them I would have just left with out a word. I wouldn’t have thought for months and months whether it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I have. Or I would have fought dirty with lies and deceit putting marks on myself just so I could win a custody battle and take the child support to make my life easier. But I didn’t. I want to be honest. I want to do the right thing whether it is easy or not.

Anyway I’m rambling. I do love you and I always will. I plan to come visit before I go and bring the kids. Eli wants to see you a lot and says he misses you.

I love you Daddy.

Remedy to a Rough Day…


Take a deep breath, plug in the head phones, turn on the music, watch your kids play while you look through pictures that cause the gears to turn (In a good way of course).

And one more for a good note that pretty much sums up a talk a certain loved one just had with me to make me feel better…

All my love,

Ellsah

Love Letter 5 ~ To My Son


Dearest Goober,

You started school recently. I know it is a lot different than everything you’re used to. When I drop you off or pick you up you say that you miss me. Believe me when I say, I miss you too. As much as I miss you I am still very proud of you. This week has been a little tougher than the first two weeks of school, and while I would love to tell you it gets easier, I know that it will only get harder. It will of course get easier in some cases, mainly in adjusting to the new things and routines. You’re a smart little man and I could never ask for a better blessing than to see you smile. You’ll be 6 in February. And even in the few years that you have been apart of my life, I feel as though I’ve had you my whole life. It is hard to think of the times before you were born.

From playing in the floor as you learned to lift your head and then learning to crawl, talk, walk, and then run, to the person you are today. You are very smart. I have thoughts going through my mind, remembering when my parents say, “You’ll understand when you have children.” I always thought they were full of it. How could they have any clue, they were old, that was supposed to hamper memory so they couldn’t possibly understand how I felt and I could not ever understand their reasoning for the choices they made. As time goes on all of that passes and I am learning through you and your sister, that they were right. You’ve shown me how to smile, count my blessings, and temper my patience. Even the days I feel I have reached my limits because of buttons pushed, I would never trade one moment I have had with you.

You are my first born. That doesn’t mean you are my favorite, I refuse to choose a favorite as you and your sister are both my favorite in your own ways. When you tell me things you’ve learned I’m stuck standing there in awe, wondering when you got so smart. You have some of the best hugs I’ve ever been held in and a smile that would melt the coldest heart. When we go outside to play, I love to watch you run. Your Peepah brags on you all the time, especially when a friend of his is around, “Watch him! He’s fast.. just watch..” And you take off showing just how fast you can run. On the tough days it breaks my heart to see you cry. I want to just scoop you up, wipe away the tears, and snuggle you while I tell you everything is going to be alright.

Things will be alright, I promise. They are not always easy, but we’ll make it through. I know right now so many things seem to be a big deal. Maybe it’s my growing older that causes me to see them as little things and maybe they really are big things. I love how you enjoy life and want to cry when it seems to fall in. I have to be stronger than that. I’ll take your hand and remind you calmly to take a breath. Just because some things do not go our way does not mean that we have to fall apart at each missed turn. Please believe me when I say I understand. I love you, my son. I hope if I teach you anything, is how to be happy and let the things you can not change be handed to the Lord, and to work for the things you can change.

You keep growing in leaps and bounds. I have faith you will turn into the man you were born to be, and that man will be a great and wonderful man. You have a kind heart and a large imagination, those are some of the best tools to accomplish things in life. Do not let anyone tell you differently. Without a kind heart we grow bitter and cold pushing away anything positive and cling to the negative. Without a good imagination our world would not be where it is today. We would not have computers, the vast devices, and we certainly would not understand the importance of defeating the dragons and bad guys of the fairy tale stories. You have the tools to be wonderful, I promise to do my best to help you learn and grow with those tools.

I think one of my fondest memories with you, was one of the days you embraced the music I had playing. You danced and started making up your own lyrics. It wasn’t long after that anytime a certain song came on you would ask that I turn it up and start dancing. You would be sure to tell me, “This is my song Momma.” That’s the boy I know and love. The one who embraces the moment and does his best to enjoy it. We are only promised the moment we are in. Life is to short to be miserable or rely on tomorrow, even when tomorrow is what we hope for.  I love you Goober. I pray you remember some of these moments and keep them close.

All My Love,

Ellsah

 

Falling Back Together


I’ve had a semi-productive and semi-fail summer. It is slowly winding down to the end and life seems to be getting its rhythm back. I’ve never really been good with journals, which was what I had set up the blog to be. A place to vent and find inspiration. This is the third time I’ve let it slide. While enrolling my son for kindergarten a few other things had been put on the back burner as well. I feel as though we are finally reaching a steady routine as the school year has started here. Our day starts at 7 am, waking the kids for baths and breakfast then off to school walking the dog, cleaning house, making sure homework is done, then get the kids home, dinner started homework finished all in time to curl up in bed to rest for the next.

It’s actually nice to have the set pattern of a day in place after working at it for what seemed like ages. I’m in no way complaining, just adjusting. One of the changes I’ll be adding to the day is a zumba work out and returning to my blog. Even if I have to buy the sticky notes to post on the screen before bed to remind me to write. A bit much? In some cases maybe, but I’ve learned over the past 25 years, my mind is easily distracted. I can start out tasks with the best of intentions then stumble when something else catches attention. One of the many joys of being human, I suppose.

While I still have yet to move, as those plans got derailed for a short time, I’m in a peaceful place for a change. Okay well mostly peaceful in the motherly hectic sort of way. I’ve absolutely loved getting up early with the kids, sitting at the table for breakfast and talking to my son after school to hear about his day. On top of it, I get some one on one time with my daughter that I had missed out on. I had almost two years alone with my son when she was born and now I get to repay that kindness and bonding with her more. In her idea of bonding is watching the new ‘My Little Ponies; Friendship is Magic’ and working on little craft projects like making an apple tree out of construction paper and glue.

Physically, I could be better. Though that has been another work in progress that often gets pushed aside. Other than two or three days, over the last several weeks, I’ve been caffeine free. Not sure how I’ve managed from an outside perspective, but its now I prefer water, maybe with a little mio, to a soda. When I have a soda I can tell the difference in myself enough that I usually don’t finish. I’ve also been cooking a lot more, over all keeping myself busy with a lot of things that I had let slide when I didn’t quite feel myself and wanted to hide in that dark hole. I never forgot that light at the tunnel’s edge, but I did hide from it. Now I feel myself steadily pushing towards it. Each day has been brighter and brighter on the journey to find myself again.

Just a few more things to manage into place. I returned to school this week; it had been one of the things I needed to let slide and dropped out of the last course to take three weeks off. I’m heading back to the books starting in the morning. then the zumba and some where in there I’ll be quitting smoking. I know there are folks around me who say, “You just need to quit..” There have been proofs in my life that it’s not good for me, but that ever stubborn part of me kept saying, “I’m not ready.” and I wasn’t. Smoking had been my dark hole to hide in. When the world was collapsing I could hide outside on my porch and take a drag off that ever addicting nicotine. More and more through these good days I’ve had a little less stress and the thought crosses my mind “I’m ready..” Once the stubborn part of me finishes taking hold of the concept “I’m done” that will be that.

I’ve never been one to set new years resolutions because I never really believed I would see them through. Chronic distraction and all. and probably a bit of lazy too. I think over the summer I have managed to move forward towards my goals fairly well. Who knows maybe this New Years I will set a resolution. I’m thinking positively, feeling positive, and attracting positive and it’s been one hell of a wake up call. I thank the Lord for the big push forward. Look out world there’s a new woman coming out!

All my love,

Ellsah

John 14: 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Madilyn Bailey ~ Crescent Moon

Dreams


In my psychology class this week we have covered a wide range of topics one of my favorite topics being dreams and their interpretations. I thought I would share my journal entry here and keep it available for possible topics to write about in the future.

Dreams

To be honest it has been a while since I have been able to remember a dream; and after some that I have had, I have been glad that I cannot remember. Over the past three years or so there have been a small handful of dreams to make me startle from sleep and sent me to another room to cry over, all because I could not rid the images from my mind. There have been less people that I’ve shared the dreams with than there are dreams that I’m able to recall. As I sit here thinking back, some of the emotions want to return, but I’ll use one that is slightly less painful or traumatic.

After my mother passed away, I often dream of her. It usually starts with the two of us meeting in a gazebo in the middle of a garden. There are so many green things and flowers; it is usually a peaceful place. When it is not a garden it is a store where she and I are walking through racks of clothes as we discuss the things going on in my day to day life. No matter where we are, I seem to ask her for advice or ask what she thinks of one direction or another. Sometimes I wake before the dream finishes, other times there is a lingering hug as we say our goodbyes.

According to dream interpretation, dreaming of my mother and having conversations with her is seeing a nurturing side of myself while I try to work out a waking issue in my life that I have been unsure on how to deal with and that I look to my mother to help me with the answers. It also suggests that it is my way of coping with her loss and a way to hold on to her. The garden with the flowers represent potential and growth for myself as well as finding comfort when around my mother and a way to find a peacefulness amidst the struggles in waking life. The dreams that include shopping for clothes is interpreted as trying to find a way to renew my self-image and take an advantage of a new opportunity. (Dream Dictionary, 2012)

In one particular dream I remember so many roses in the garden. In the dream I had been asking my mother’s thoughts of a man who had entered my life. According to the dream interpreter the roses signify faithfulness, joy, love, and romance. (Dream Dictionary, 2012) In the dream my mother approved of the man I spoke to her about, he had even met her with me at one point and they got along. Since then he has been extremely supportive of my situation with patience and kindness. I had been wary of the situation prior to the dream but after I put my trust in the approval of my mother.

I would have to say that I do approve and believe in dream interpretation. There are many reluctant people in my life who tell me, “It was just a dream.” In response I started keeping the dreams to myself, idly doing my own research to include buying books about dream interpretations. While some of my dreams had included death and struggle, understanding them better has given me a little more peace in day to day life. Understanding them better has helped me cope with certain nightmares; where I had woken and hid in a private room to cry, now if a nightmare comes I’m able to think of the meaning behind it and breathe past the horror of the images.

Dream interpretation has helped me a great deal. After placing enough thought into it in relation to the events in waking life, it has become near impossible to dismiss the validity of the interpretations. I have learned that some are just dreams, while the ones that stick with me mean something and can be used to guide my decisions or used to understand what it is that is bothering me that I usually hide from those around me.

Reference

Dream Dictionary. (2012). Retrieved July 6, 2012, from Dream Moods: http://www.dreammoods.com/