I know it may seem tacky to write a love letter to myself. How often is it we don’t try to see the good things in our hearts and play the modest mouse to humble that we let others use us for stepping stones. There has been a saying for a long time now, you can not love anyone until you have a little love and respect for yourself. I know I was raised to have a certain amount of self respect to never put my self in situations that I have seen. Yet here I am. I’ve made mistakes. Some hurt to think of more than others, but I believe in all my flaws I still stand for something. I still want to see the brighter days and find that peace that is so often searched for by the explorers of souls. I’m not the best wife, mother, daughter, grand daughter, aunt, niece that I could be. I’ve closed a lot of doors and when trying to explain why sometimes I get defensive.
However, at the end of the day whether the events bring tears of smiles I am still all of those people in one. I may not be the best, but I am. My children’s touch show me that I mean something to them. The words from friend show me that I have made a positive impact on someone in my life. My name may not be the top of tabloids but I have made a difference no matter how small. This does not mean that my goal in life is accomplished. I am far from it by any means. But there is still a kindness in my touch, a reassurance in my voice, a warmth in my look that can make a three year old smile. There are even a small few that are unable to go a day with out being sure to speak to me, even with the walls that have been built. Whether I see it at times or not people believe in me, have faith in me.
It’s not always the screamed “I need you” that so many want to have that is needed. It’s a small glance. That quiet hidden giggle behind a child or friends eye. Just remember to look back through these posts and see the comments. See what once was and remember where you have gotten to. See how far you’ve come. Even if it is only mere inches it is progress from where you once were. In those steps forward there was meaning. For the moments that felt like mistakes you learned from. I’ve been reading some in psychology how people can be conditioned to certain environments and behaviors. In moving forward and striving to get passed the hard times we condition ourselves to become better, to see that brighter future you so wish to find.
It’s impossible to please everyone, it’s even easier to upset them. It’s why you’ve built the walls to block out negative influence. The people who were disappointed to hear you were with child and you saw it as a blessing. There was a time you thought children were a distant dream that may have been unattainable and now your blessed with two. You blocked out the people who said you would never amount to anything because mother was gone, yet here you are two children and making a 4.0 in school. It may not be the labeled ‘proper’ order but you are doing it, proving the nay sayers wrong. As in any life there is positive potential. While I will agree some walls should come down, it’s an understandable habit. It’s time to come out of the box if you’ve retreated again and see the good things about yourself. See yourself not through the eyes that look down at you or those who look up. It is difficult to see someone from such an odd angle, but try to see yourself through those who cherish your company, those who love to hear your voice and see your smile.
You may not be perfect, but you make a good difference in the lives you touch.
All my love,
Ellsah
P.S. Here is a song to cheer you up. you know who I’m referring to, he’ll come to your mind the second you hit play. ❤
Cascading Contemplations 