Crawling Out From Under The Rock

So I dropped the ball big time on myself and others here. But I have not forgotten. Just been a little fuzzled on what to write about. I’ve taken some time to just think. I know on various media they say it’s impossible to please everyone but it’s a piece of cake to yank on everyone’s nerves. Still I had found myself trying to find that happy medium where those around me were content. The out come… starting to fall into the same circles I have been desperately trying to get myself out of. On the bright side. I was smart enough this time around to catch myself and give that habit the big double flying bird. So maybe for me that third and umpteenth time wasn’t the charm. But I’m walking in a steady stride. Meditating some on past entries mainly reminding myself to breath. Especially after last night.

I wanted to believe this would be the time the kids’ father had crawled out of his own self pity hole. Then like clock work he proved me wrong. Speaking with a friend where he though I could not hear saying he could not do something because I sleep all day and so when he gets home he can’t accomplish what ever it is that is so important. Last I checked I get up with the kids every morning. We have a little play session in bed from tickle monsters to playing with a puppy then get up take our walk outside and see to breakfast or brunch what ever it is we feel like doing. It’s not the first time he’s been heard speaking this way.  I don’t get it. My sister tells me it may be his way with coping with the fact he is losing me. It could be.

I’m not opposed to him venting or ranting. But at least let the words be truth instead of talking about something he is not here to witness. I think if he had learned to give it an all time fight to keep us together, to stand up for me, or confront me about the issues instead of using me for some emotional punching bag I would not be leaving. We could have had a wonderful life. There are just too many verbal punches and avoidance to recover anything at this point. If I thought things were beyond reconcilable last year, this year has only more solidified that fact. I know I have not made it easy.

It’s getting close to the time I will be moving. I’m keeping to my prayers that my children will learn to forgive me and still love me. I pray that they build a strong relationship with their father but learn enough that they don’t follow in his steps when they come of age.  All I can do now is continue on putting all my faith that the Lord will handle the drama and things will turn out as they should be.

This is me crawling out from under that ugly rock and relearning how to be happy, relearning how to live, relearning how to be me. I’m relearning how to let my walls down to the right people and moving them to block out the negativity to embrace positive things. I’ve been told and seen too many times that the world responds better to positive thinking and energy. With that belief and faith I feel alright about moving on. Like the time a few years ago, I’m loading into the harness and being lifted for the leap. Come August and following months is going to be one heck of a ride.

All my love,

Ellsah

1 Corinthians 13:2 (ESV)  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.